6 Ways To Figure Out If Your Values Are Aligned Before You're Too Invested
I used to dread being asked about my values. On dates, on dating apps, anywhere. And not because I didn’t think values were important (I know they are!). It was because I had no idea what mine actually were, at least not consciously enough to articulate them on the spot.
After learning that shared values are one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success (ranking above love and communication in studies on what makes marriages last), I decided it was time to actually figure mine out.
I created a note in my phone with 60+ core values listed out, did a lot of self-reflection, and researched what values actually are, how they develop, and why they matter so much in relationships. Not only did this little research project of mine change how I approached dating, it also had a huge impact on my decision-making in general.
Research shows that when you’re clear on your values, decisions become significantly easier. Likely because you have a framework or North Star to refer back to. I've historically been pretty indecisive in certain areas of my life, but getting clear on my core values genuinely changed that. Now, I approach decisions based on how each option aligns with what matters most to me (AKA my core values). And I still refer back to my Notes app list occasionally to see if and how my values have shifted over time.
All that’s to say, before we talk about how to figure out someone else’s values, it can be helpful to do a little self-reflection yourself.
What values actually are (and why they matter in relationships)
Values are the principles and beliefs that shape how you live your life. They influence how you spend your time, how you spend your money, what you prioritize, how you define success, and how you show up in relationships.
Values are not the same as interests or personality traits. Someone can love the same things you love and have completely different values—and, to be honest, it’s a lot more important that your values are aligned than your interests.
Research consistently shows that shared values are one of the top predictors of long-term relationship success. In fact, in a cross-generational study that asked couples in long-term marriages what their secret to longevity was, shared values ranked third overall (above love, communication, and compromise).
Studies on couples with aligned values find those couples tend to experience less conflict and greater relationship satisfaction, particularly around major life decisions like family, career, and lifestyle.
What I’ve learned is that finding a good partner isn’t about finding someone identical to you. It’s about finding someone whose definition of a good life is compatible enough with yours that you’re both building toward something that will make you happy.
First, let’s figure out your values
You can’t assess someone else’s values if you’re not clear on your own. And a lot of people aren’t.
A few ways to get clear on your own values:
Start with a list. I shared mine here, 60+ core values like integrity, adventure, stability, creativity, family, ambition, independence, faith, and so on. Going through a list like this and identifying which ones resonate is so much easier than trying to come up with them from scratch.
Once you read through it, narrow it down to your top five. You might find that a lot of values feel important and a lot of them sound similar, but your core values are the ones you’d be unwilling to compromise on.
Think about the times in your life when you felt most fulfilled, most yourself, and most certain you were on the right path. What values were you living by in those moments?
On the flip side, think about the times you felt most conflicted or unhappy. What were you maybe compromising?
Your values can (and often do) shift as you grow and have new experiences. The ones I had at 25 aren’t identical to the ones I have now.
Why “what are your values?” isn’t the best question to ask on a date
Even if you know your own values, asking someone directly on a date rarely works. Most people either freeze, give you a vague non-answer, or tell you what they think you want to hear.
The good news? Values show up in how people live their lives, what they talk about, what they get excited about, and how they make decisions. You don’t always have to ask directly.
6 ways to actually learn someone’s values
You’ll be able to get a read on some of these pretty quickly, while others might take more time. Either way, the best thing you can do is stay present and be honest with yourself about what you’re experiencing and feeling.
Pay attention to how they talk about their life and their decisions.
What do they spend their time on?
What are they proud of?
What bothers them?
What do they get fired up about?
You can learn a lot about someone’s values by listening to them talk about things they genuinely care about, without asking a single values-specific question.
Notice what they do, not just what they say.
Values show up in actions more than words.
How do they treat people (not just you, but waitstaff, strangers, friends they're venting about)? Especially people who they don’t need anything from.
Do they follow through on what they say they'll do?
Do they take accountability when something goes wrong, or do they deflect?
Are they generous with their time and attention?
Someone can say family is their biggest priority and never call their parents. Just like they can say they value honesty and avoid hard conversations at all costs. Watch what they actually do, because it tells you a lot.
Ask questions that reveal values indirectly.
This is my favorite approach because it feels natural and gives you real, honest answers.
Some of my favorites:
What’s one thing you’ve changed your mind about recently, and what made you see it differently?
What are you willing to fight for, and why?
What’s one thing you would never change your mind about?
What’s one thing you wish more people cared about or talked about?
What’s one thing you would change about the way you were raised? What’s something you’d never change?
What’s one social cause you’re passionate about?
None of these feel like a values quiz. If you weave them in over time, it will feel like a natural conversation—and the answers will tell you a lot about what this person actually stands for.
Watch how they handle disagreement and difficulty.
How someone responds when things don’t go their way, when plans fall through, or when they disagree with you is one of the clearest windows into their values.
Can they handle conflict with respect?
Are they honest even when it’s uncomfortable?
Do they take accountability?
These moments reveal values in a way that most questions cannot.
Pay attention to how they talk about other people.
This one is subtle but really telling.
Do they speak kindly about their friends, or is there a lot of complaining and gossiping?
How do they talk about their exes?
How do they talk about people they disagree with?
The way someone talks about others reflects what they think is acceptable behavior. It’s also a pretty clear preview of how they’ll eventually talk about you.
Notice how they spend their time and money.
Values aren’t just what people say they believe in. They’re what people actually prioritize. And nothing reveals real priorities like how someone spends their time and their money.
Do they make time for the people they care about?
Are they generous?
Are they intentional about how they spend their weekends and time off?
The money stuff is especially interesting because people rarely talk about it openly in early dating, but it comes up in small ways all the time if you’re paying attention.
How do they like to travel? Are they an Airbnb-in-a-cool-neighborhood person or a nice-hotel person?
Do they cook most nights, order in constantly, or always want to go out?
What do they like to splurge on?
What would they never cut, even in a tight month? Some people would give up almost anything before they’d cancel their gym membership. Others wouldn’t think twice about dropping money on a nice dinner but would never pay for a flight upgrade.
There’s no right or wrong in these questions, either! What we’re looking for is alignment (or lack thereof).
What this really comes down to
Figuring out if your values are aligned isn’t about running someone through a checklist or asking them to define themselves in a few words. It’s about paying attention to what they say, what they do, what they care about, and how they show up. The more present and curious you are in early dating, the faster you’ll get a real picture of who someone actually is.
And the more clearly you know your own values, the easier it is to recognize when someone else’s are genuinely compatible with yours.
I really like that you’re pointing to behavior, not just stated values. That distinction matters.
What I learned the hard way, though, is that even genuine values alignment still isn’t the whole picture.
I’ve had a relationship where we shared many of the same values, wanted the same kind of life, and on the surface were building toward similar things. That’s actually why it hit me so much harder when it didn’t hold.
Because in the end, the difference wasn’t values. It was capacity.
What someone can actually stay present in, take responsibility for, and sustain when the relationship asks more of them than everyday compatibility does.
Agree how you said values are ambiguous and can change over time. (and they're different from your interests). To add, values are contextual, and along a scale.
For instance, family. If that defined by immediate or extended (grandparents, cousins), and you can be close to some parts of family and not others, and your closeness can be varied.